Last Saturday I was gung ho and ready to set the world ablaze with my enthusiasm to embrace being single by starting to know me by abiding to the contract I established with my friends. I journaled, meditated, and even took a boxing class. Then…..the day changed.
When I got home from boxing I began to have the chills….and then aches and the headache began. I had begun to up my workouts and was sure I was dehydrated. I know that when I don’t drink enough water I get headaches and feel achy, but this went on all day. I drank and drank all of Saturday into the early hours of Sunday morning when I switched to Gatorade. I felt a bit better and saw my trainer to discuss some goals.
I was home a ½ hour later slowly adding layer after layer of clothing and finally hitting the bed for some much needed rest. Right before I put my head down, I noticed a small area on my ankle that was burning red, but it was small and I thought it was maybe a bug bite. Fast forward 2 hours later when I got up and noticed the redness had spread ½ way up my calf and I couldn’t get warm even with jacking the heat up to 90.
It’s not that I don’t want to care for myself, but truth is that I hate doctors. I have a low immune system and am susceptible to infections and sure enough, it was cellulitis. After visiting the walk-in clinic and ER, I was admitted to the hospital late Sunday night with check out on Wednesday.
It was during my stay that something amazing happened: I learned how truly blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life. You always introduce the person you like to your friends to get their feedback and here I was getting feedback that I’m a pretty special person. I know it sounds corny, but I was truly overwhelmed by the love and support I was receiving. I’m so used to putting everyone ahead of me, I hadn’t stopped in a very long time to acknowledge me or what I have to offer as a person. This stay let me see how important I am to others.
After leaving the hospital I realized that I do have a lot to offer someone, and am more determined than ever to spend the next 12 months alone while I really get to know me (I’m calling this my transition period). There is no one I want other than me because I want to see what others were telling me while in the hospital. At the end of the day, I don’t want to settle just because someone is paying attention to me. I want to be wanted, I don’t want to be needed. There is a difference. If someone needs me, it means that I’ve become needy and am attracting a needy person. I’m a big believer that what you put out into the universe is what you get back. Confident people attract confident people, so it makes sense that needy people attract needy people. I think that explains why I’ve become exhausted over the years trying to help everyone.
Last night I thought it time to take charge of feeling pretty and sexy again. Years ago, I was into lingerie, but my husband just didn’t see the need for the gift wrapping. What he didn’t realize is that the gift wrapping is what helps me feel a bit turned on…a bit more beautiful and confident. It’s one thing to wear jeans and a sweater, but add a lacy bra and underwear and I feel beautiful. While in the hospital, I kept seeing ads for Adore Me.com (http://www.adoreme.com) and I spent Friday night watching a movie of my choice and then searched the site for a new item. I found several, but am only going to order one to see how the quality is. If good, I might join their VIP club, which you get great discounts for a monthly purchase. I’d like to branch out into other purchases like corsets, stockings and nighties. All of which won’t be seen by anyone but me. However, at the end of the day, I’m the one that wants to feel sexy and I don’t want to need someone to validate how I feel….but….that’s not to say I won’t appreciate hearing my partner enjoy the gift wrapping.
This weekend we have a blizzard. I’m going to finish nurturing self by cleaning out clothes drawers and closet. To me a fresh start also means a clean closet and it’s time for a new beginning.