This week, the school of hard knocks pounded on my door and crushed me. I let someone in my life when most vulnerable, didn’t let my wall down for a long time, but they slowly took it down brick-by-brick. I was blindsided by a 2×4 and am hurt and angry more than I ever have been. As the undeclared Queen of Over-Analyzing any Situation, even I can’t and won’t analyze the reasons given to me as the person still wants me in their life. Here’s what I know. I like the person, I enjoy our interactions and everything is easy, but don’t know if I can trust him or anyone new again.
As I was stewing in anger, I decided that I needed to shake things up and decided to use my anger to fuel my desire to train for a ½ marathon. I have an unusual fear of running so this is a HUGE and exciting challenge for me. During my first training session, I realized towards the end of it, I will lose my anger through this training and anger can only fuel you so far. I was relieved to feel the anger leave my body during that workout, but Anger, Sadness and Betrayal (aka friends from hell) do make a daily appearance in my life because of this one person I let get close to me. I realized after waking up this morning, it is okay to embrace and acknowledge these emotions as it’s the only way you heal, but also realized that all these months of trying to date myself, I don’t like the person I was dating. I want someone different.
No…this doesn’t mean I’m going change my life and move to an Ashram, but I’m going to embrace good boundaries, admit when I don’t like something and move on and stop analyzing words or situations as much as I used to. Why? Because life is too damn short to embrace stuff in my personal life that doesn’t bring me happiness. For instance, I can’t seem to break-up with a bad book. I can be bored out of my mind and I continue to read it because I feel if the author took the time to write the words then I should read them. That’s going to stop. I have dozens of books I want to read in my house and I’m obsessing over hurting the feelings of an author who has no clue that I’m even reading their book. Seriously? Next….
Yesterday I had a conversation with my soon to be ex-husband (we’re friends) and I was telling him how I couldn’t meet with him this Sunday as I was meeting with a cleaning person (who is a friend of a friend) and when he found out where she lived he was trying to get me to worry about her commute to my house. After the 2nd time of succinctly stating: that’s not my issue, if she wants the job, she’ll make the commute and clean my house twice a month. It’s not my job to worry about whether she’ll be okay with the drive to my house. Now I realize why nothing was ever worked on at the house when he lived with me. This constantly worrying about what races through the minds of others is no longer my concern. I need to let it go so I can focus on me.
Here’s the person I want to date – it’s really the person who has always been hanging around in the shadows, but hiding because I couldn’t embrace a version of me that wasn’t always going to try to be perfect. My philosophy has always been if I can’t be perfect then I shouldn’t try. I could be interested in it, but as soon as I realized I sucked at something, even if I enjoyed it, I stopped doing it. After living under this mantra and not being happy, I think it’s time to embrace and love who I really am. I’m a person who is curious about most things in life. I love to keep an open mind, have many interests and at times am a hot mess who can’t handle everything. I decided I am going to begin to let the balls drop and pick up only one at a time. I’m also going to stop hiding because I’m not beautiful by Society’s standards. I want to be girly…I want to dress up, wear heels and stop avoiding the mirror because I’m not one of the models you see on the cover of any magazine on the newsstand. I want to read more books without the guilt of having to finish one I don’t like; listen to more music, cook, write and only allow people in my life who I truly feel safe around.