Refresh, Restart…..Reboot

What is the age when someone looks at their life and thinks this is my path and I have to follow it no matter what?

Two years ago, I was writing about the dissolution of my marriage, people in my life and how I felt it time to date myself.  Unfortunately, I didn’t really date myself, but instead was incredibly vulnerable to people and did exactly what I said I would never do again — I got lost in someone else.  I tried so hard to please that person, even when the hope of a romantic relationship faded, I just wanted to maintain a friendship with him.  Normally, he’s a very reserved person, but when we were truly close, he was so passionate and caring that it was like a burst of wind had knocked me off my balance and I lost my footing.

As the relationship went down the path of friendship, I was still looking for that rush ….that feeling that someone truly cared about me.  It was easier for me to try to recapture that feeling from him than face my life, and face the fact, that I was, and still am, a lost individual.  I became the worst version of anyone: clingy and needy.  This past November, I didn’t recognize me, and eventually this person ghosted me over the holidays.  It crushed me beyond belief.

I always thought ‘ghosting’ was for people who had dated and we were friends.  I trust my friends more so than any intimate relationship with a man, so it crushed me.  I mean totally crushed me.  In early January, we talked and while we still talk on occasion, it is much different and for some reason I tread lightly.  I guess I’m afraid of losing the little remains of a friendship we have then admit I’m still putting the worst version of me forward.  Wow.  To see the words on this screen makes me wonder what happened to the person who grew up marching to her own drummer – hung out of trees; walked a marathon to get over her first marriage ending; hiked the Grand Canyon when I turned 40 and was a year of being cancer free.  I pretty much have always followed my curiosity and this has led me to people and experiences that are priceless.  Instead, I stopped listening to me.  I put all my energies into another person who called me a dabbler.  From his viewpoint, I didn’t stick with one thing.  I was so lost at that point in my life, that I thought he was right.  However, instead of pursuing one passion, I stopped.  I clung to him and began a year long process where I started to doubt everything about me.  I also stopped hanging out with friends, doing anything and my sadness I believe has a large part with damaging my physical health (well, that and the stress of job and being someone I’m not).

So…Who am I?

I have no fucking clue.  I was raised to believe that you go to college, marry and raise a family.  Many of my friends did that.  Hell, I married twice, and maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I couldn’t have children instead of leading them down the rabbit hole I find myself in.  However, I’m tired of not truly knowing who I am.  If I were a computer and either got held up in a program far too long or got the blue screen of death (I think most people have experienced that), it’d be easy, I’d just reboot my computer.

I need a total reboot.  The only way I’m truly going to find my passion, is to let every negative preconceived notion I have about myself that fills my head go and begin living with no expectations.  I also need to put me first and stop believing making another person happy is going to make me happy.   Great if it happens, but I need to start being to true to myself if I really want to discover who I am.  I’ve known for far too long that I try to please others because I don’t know what will or what happens once I am happy.  In certain facets of my life, people have taken advantage of me for their benefit.  No more.

So how do I begin to discover who I am….and make peace with who I’m not?  Well, there are so many articles on how to be happy — should I declutter my life?  Exercise? Eat better? Take classes? Redo my home? Meditate? Travel? Garden? Find a new job?  Better yet, find a new career? So many choices and all that I want to explore.

Here’s what I know about me….I react slowly to things, but when I do it stays with me a very long time.  I also procrastinate on things I hate to do, and I really detest the saying “Just Do It”.  I want to bitch slap the next person that says that to me.  I do get to things, it just takes me time.  Far longer than others, but ya know what, I live alone and, at the moment, in a lot of physical pain.  I’ve also never been one of those individuals that a new habit is formed in 21 days.  Depending upon the habit (translation if it is something I hate doing like cleaning) it could take me up to 21 weeks before it is a habit.   Even if I get joy from doing something I stop because I don’t think I deserve to feel happy.  Not anymore.  I’ve rebooted and have given myself permission to set boundaries and feel happy.

I have some thoughts where to begin and will check in next week to give an update.  I’m not sure anyone will read this, but by putting this out on the Internet, it does hold me accountable…..and right now I need that to jump start my adventure into finding me.


Bag of Cheetos

While in therapy this week, my therapist broke down a life-long habit of mine into a very simple concept:  a bag of Cheetos.

Last year I decided to enter into therapy to figure out why I couldn’t have a successful relationship.  While my second husband is an extremely nice guy, I was incredibly lonely, and admit I was shocked that I was as lonely the second time around as I was in my first marriage.  Honestly, I thought I was lonely in my first marriage because I had married the wrong person, but truth is I’m attracted to emotionally unavailable men.

After my session, I called my sister to talk about what was discussed and her comment was my a-ha moment.  She said – I’m not surprised you’ve always been attracted to men like daddy.

There is a saying that you have a tendency to marry a man like your father and while my dad is quiet, polite, and everyone likes him, I spent my youth watching my mom trying to get his attention and then my adulthood trying to figure out why, after many years of doing things together, he could never connect with me.  Our conversations are limited because, as hard as I tried, he never really wanted to know who I was.  If the conversation didn’t revolve around him, golf, his job or an interest of his, he tuned you out.  To this day, my dad is 94 and only asks how my husband is and if I still work at a particular company.  Over the years I’ve gotten divorced, was unemployed for multiple years and almost died from several infections contracted due to surgical complications, but none of this was talked about.  In addition, until my sister told my parents that there was a high possibility I was going to die, neither parent thought it important to visit me in the hospital.  I think when raised by 2 narcissists, you long for a connection, but instead I’m attracted to what I know – the emotionally unavailable.

Over the past few months in therapy, I had talked about a ‘friend’ who I’ve mentioned in recent posts.  Initially I only shared how we had a friendship that was growing, but in the end I admitted to having a very intimate friendship with someone one day, and then 4 days later it just abruptly ended by him.  All our talks about a possible future together just disappeared.  While he was able to flip his emotions off towards me like a light switch, I can’t.  We have a work relationship and I really like him as a person.  I enjoy our conversations and still want to finally meet him….but on my terms.  I wasn’t going to come to him this time (we live in different states), but he was going to come to me.  Now, I’m rethinking it all after my conversation with my therapist and sister.

My therapist pointed out how this person was emotionally unavailable and while like a bag of Cheetos, which is yummy; it is unhealthy for me.  She had a valid point – when have you ever brought a bag of Cheetos in the house and are able to just eat a handful?  You always finish off the bag no matter how hard you try to control yourself.  She told me my attraction to this individual was like my bag of Cheetos.  She was very cut and dry and insisted that I needed to keep the bag out of the house if I ever wanted to open self to the possibility of a relationship with someone who was willing to be emotionally available. I openly admit that I somewhat argued with her and I think it’s because I didn’t want to admit she’s probably right. We even talked about how I was resisting her suggestions because I’m not ready to say goodbye to him.  I really don’t want to, but I know I shouldn’t feel so much pain because I’m left wondering if after the way he ended things with me, if he really wants a friendship with me or if he’s just being polite.  Self-doubt has no place in any healthy relationship and I know, with the right person, what I have to offer will be welcomed.

After this session, I thought I’d tell him – lay it out on the table – basically, let him off the hook for having to meet me.  I realized the only reason I wanted to tell him these things is because I was longing to hear that he really does want to meet me, that I do make a difference in his life, but that is my imagination working overtime on a person who could easily take or leave me in their life.  Instead, I am not going to hurt self any longer and do what is easiest for me:  just slowly and quietly disappear.

I told my therapist how I really like Cheetos so I wanted to know what’d I get if I didn’t bring Cheetos in the house any longer….she told me a wonderful banquet would be waiting for me.  Obviously, I have been repeating the same mistake over and over so I guess it’s finally time to stop traveling down the snack and chip aisle.

100 Days

I think there comes a point in everyone’s life when things become overwhelming and you need to step back and look at what you can and can’t handle.  For me, it’s recognizing that I was trying to do it all and still making myself too available for others.  Over the weekend I started to feel as if my head was going to explode because I was doing too many things, but nothing really for me.  I made the decision to figure out what I really wanted for myself and started to carve out this time for me.  Unfortunately, this made me notice that some of the people in my life, who I thought were good for me, left me feeling annoyed and aggravated.  I tried saying something and it fell on deaf ears.  Here’s the point:  if I tell you I’m uncomfortable then just stop doing it.  Don’t turn it around on me.  Don’t make me feel guilty because I’m voicing my needs and what I’m asking of you is no big deal to you, but to me….it’s huge.  I no longer want to walk away from every conversation feeling annoyed.  A friendship should not leave you feeling angry towards the person… or inadequate.  I’m done.  I no longer feel this need to impress anyone or have this need for someone to like me.  I want friendships of mutual respect and if that means walking away to get the right relationships in my life – I will.

In the meantime, I’m going to spend the next 100 days putting me at the very top of the list so I learn to create relationships that are nurturing and healthy for me.  Basically, ones where there is a mutual respect.  I can no longer be there for everyone….basically, I’m in desperate need of boundaries…I can no longer be saying yes to everyone and everything.  It should be an interesting 100 days – at the end I look forward to being in the right relationships and no longer feeling the need to please everyone at my own expense.

Therapy: My Experience to Date

In the past I’ve written posts where ‘humor and observation’ were the theme, but at the moment, I want to write about my life as messy as it is.  I finally went back into therapy last October and it is funny how it will force you to acknowledge things about yourself that you try so desperately to ignore for decades.  It’s painful, but if you do the work you’ll be happier and stronger in the end – at least that’s what I’m told.  Since I’m still in the process, every step feels like I’m moving through quicksand.  To change life-long habits, tolerate bad behavior from others and never really find my voice to speak my mind is a real struggle for me.  I have learned through the process that burying feelings is no longer healthy for me.

I grew up in a very passive aggressive household where you never spoke up, no one yelled at one another and everyone hated confrontation.  Confrontation meant you didn’t love a person.  I didn’t realize it just means that you’re voicing your opinion or needs until I accepted a position where that was my job.  Granted it took me years in business to figure this out, but for some reason I have never truly been able to transfer this thinking into my personal life.  Instead, I became a people pleaser for everyone.  I couldn’t, and often don’t know how to say no, as I’m afraid I will let them down.  At the end of the day, it often takes me years to let someone in….and usually it is only friends.  So when I took a chance letting someone in, I was (and still a bit) crushed that I wasn’t enough.  However, after reading my past journal entries (journaled over the past 20+ years), I’m not sure I’m a person I’d like.  I became the worst version of me.  I tested him at every opportunity, drilled him with questions when I should have let him tell me when he was ready.  Long story short, I was reverting back to what I’m trying to change in therapy.  While I believe everyone feels this innate need to feel liked or loved; one should never force it.  In my case, I knew this person for years prior and respected in him in business, but several months ago, things changed.  I got to know him differently and it was exciting because I couldn’t imagine this person could like me.  Now I know I should have recognized I have a lot to offer someone, but I just wasn’t ready.  Honestly, I’m still not.  However, what therapy has taught me is not to bury my feelings anymore.  There are days I miss him because I still find him to be: interesting, funny, nice, quirky and kind-hearted.  Do I wish things worked out differently?  Yes and no.  If it was later when strong enough to realize that I have a lot to offer the right person, I think it would be a richer/deeper relationship.  Here’s what I know:  I heal very differently than my friends.  I’ve been told that I shouldn’t engage with this person, but I’m not a water spigot.  I can’t magically shut off my feelings for a person.  However, I can and will stop taking jabs at him for hurting me.  He has every right to move on.  I wanted him to know how much he hurt me and I think he knows.  I need to heal and being angry or bitter is not going to help me….and quite frankly, I’ve known some bitter women in my lifetime and they scare me.  Besides, it really does physically hurt me to carry that much angry with me.  I don’t enjoy shutting down and, in time, will open my heart when I’m ready to.  In the meantime, I’m tired of not enjoying life, appreciating the people who love and care for me.  At the end of the day, my friends won’t understand why I’d continue to let someone in who hurt me as he has, but I know I will be a better person because I learned to let him in.

I’ve decided to take what I’ve learned from him – the things that put a smile on my face and carry them forward.  What he has taught me is that it’s okay for a woman to be intelligent and not hide it because a guy isn’t as bright.  He also awoke a part of me I decided wasn’t important: dressing up, wearing heels, dresses and taking extra time to feel pretty.  My mother judged people on their looks so I took the extreme position and hid who I was, but now recognize it is okay to want to feel pretty.  I know that just because I want to feel pretty, doesn’t mean I will judge others on their looks like she did.  It just means I want to come out from the shadows I’ve been hiding in for so many years.  I also want to be a better communicator.  I don’t need to add to every subject discussed, and that sometimes silence is just as important.  I used to be a great listener, but I think over the years I had to repeat self to be heard.  I really hate that and know that’ll take time to change.

In the meantime, I’ve started going back to cooking classes and am carving out time to do things that are really important to me.  I no longer feel the need to impress anyone, but still love doing things for people I care for as I love to care for others or just put a smile on their face.  One day when I’m ready, I hope I find someone like this man…with the one exception – I want this man to want to share his life with me and think I’m more than just enough.



Experiment in Dating Self: When Do You Know It is Time to Break-Up with Any Person, Place or Thing?

This week, the school of hard knocks pounded on my door and crushed me.  I let someone in my life when most vulnerable, didn’t let my wall down for a long time, but they slowly took it down brick-by-brick.  I was blindsided by a 2×4 and am hurt and angry more than I ever have been.  As the undeclared Queen of Over-Analyzing any Situation, even I can’t and won’t analyze the reasons given to me as the person still wants me in their life.  Here’s what I know.  I like the person, I enjoy our interactions and everything is easy, but don’t know if I can trust him or anyone new again.

As I was stewing in anger, I decided that I needed to shake things up and decided to use my anger to fuel my desire to train for a ½ marathon.  I have an unusual fear of running so this is a HUGE and exciting challenge for me.  During my first training session, I realized towards the end of it, I will lose my anger through this training and anger can only fuel you so far.  I was relieved to feel the anger leave my body during that workout, but Anger, Sadness and Betrayal (aka friends from hell) do make a daily appearance in my life because of this one person I let get close to me.  I realized after waking up this morning, it is okay to embrace and acknowledge these emotions as it’s the only way you heal, but also realized that all these months of trying to date myself, I don’t like the person I was dating.  I want someone different.

No…this doesn’t mean I’m going change my life and move to an Ashram, but I’m going to embrace good boundaries, admit when I don’t like something and move on and stop analyzing words or situations as much as I used to.  Why?  Because life is too damn short to embrace stuff in my personal life that doesn’t bring me happiness.  For instance, I can’t seem to break-up with a bad book.  I can be bored out of my mind and I continue to read it because I feel if the author took the time to write the words then I should read them.  That’s going to stop.  I have dozens of books I want to read in my house and I’m obsessing over hurting the feelings of an author who has no clue that I’m even reading their book.  Seriously?  Next….

Yesterday I had a conversation with my soon to be ex-husband (we’re friends) and I was telling him how I couldn’t meet with him this Sunday as I was meeting with a cleaning person (who is a friend of a friend) and when he found out where she lived he was trying to get me to worry about her commute to my house.  After the 2nd time of succinctly stating:  that’s not my issue, if she wants the job, she’ll make the commute and clean my house twice a month.  It’s not my job to worry about whether she’ll be okay with the drive to my house.  Now I realize why nothing was ever worked on at the house when he lived with me.  This constantly worrying about what races through the minds of others is no longer my concern.  I need to let it go so I can focus on me.

Here’s the person I want to date – it’s really the person who has always been hanging around in the shadows, but hiding because I couldn’t embrace a version of me that wasn’t always going to try to be perfect.  My philosophy has always been if I can’t be perfect then I shouldn’t try.  I could be interested in it, but as soon as I realized I sucked at something, even if I enjoyed it, I stopped doing it.   After living under this mantra and not being happy, I think it’s time to embrace and love who I really am.  I’m a person who is curious about most things in life.  I love to keep an open mind, have many interests and at times am a hot mess who can’t handle everything.  I decided I am going to begin to let the balls drop and pick up only one at a time.  I’m also going to stop hiding because I’m not beautiful by Society’s standards.  I want to be girly…I want to dress up, wear heels and stop avoiding the mirror because I’m not one of the models you see on the cover of any magazine on the newsstand.  I want to read more books without the guilt of having to finish one I don’t like; listen to more music, cook, write and only allow people in my life who I truly feel safe around.

Nurturing Oneself

As a woman, I’ve used the word ‘diet’ as often as I’ve said my name.  I hate the word, but seemed to have begrudgingly embraced the word into my everyday life for the past several decades.  However, about 10 days ago, I eliminated the word and began a daily practice of nurturing.

I know I sound very new-age, but trust me, I’m not giving up my AC to live in a yurt.  Instead, I finally learned that trying to be on a diet stressed me out more than I ever imagined.  I was never perfect and would constantly beat myself up and be disappointed that the numbers on the scale would just never go down enough.  What I noticed was a direct correlation between how I felt with the type of food I ate, hours I slept, and amount of me time I gave myself on a daily basis.  I shouldn’t be all that surprised since I started looking at the relationships in my life 2 years back and started eliminating the ones that weren’t working and noticed an immediate change in how I felt about me.  While I didn’t recognize that I was ‘nurturing’ me, I guess I was.  It only took me 18 more months to put this practice into place about how I spend my days.

I no longer use the word diet.  I find it to be restrictive and punitive.  Why was I wanting to punish myself when what I really wanted was to feel better and have an active lifestyle.  Let’s take aside the fact that I don’t enjoy my job (I may have a change of heart down the line, but that requires an entire attitude adjustment that I’m not ready to make quite yet), I just want to feel good.  I don’t want to feel sore, achy, itchy (psoriasis) or bloated.  I’m slowing figuring out what trigger foods set me off, but I’m not perfect.  There are times I’m jonesing for a diet cola and know well what the consequences are and go through the drive-thru of my local fast food restaurant anyway.  I’ve stopped worrying about what to order when I go out to dinner.  Why not order what I truly want, enjoy the meal, and move on from there.  It’s not a set-back in my mind anymore because I know when I’m in my own environment, I’ll eat the right foods and make choices that will have me feeling better.

I think the hardest thing about nurturing oneself is being true to who you are and figuring out what you need to be happy.  I realized this morning that I wasn’t making progress to take better care of me and at times I was trying to be anyone but me.  I wasn’t giving myself permission to mourn my impending divorce and at times, I miss my husband…I mean really miss him because I know we’d both enjoy what I was doing, so I’ve been crying a lot lately.  However, I know, in my heart, I’m happier alone.

There are so many things I need to repair before I move on to be with another person and I honestly don’t think I have the room in my heart to let anyone in anymore.  I’m slowing learning that the person I need to worry about embracing me, and loving me, is me as I will learn not to let me down.

Master of My Own Domain….

When I started on my venture to date myself, I thought because I was in control I won’t let the traditional pitfalls of any relationship be a part of mine.  Well….ya know what…. the pitfalls do creep in when you aren’t looking.

For instance, everyone wants to put their best foot forward in any new relationship.  They want the other person to see a shiny, happy, magnificent person: one who is this awesome human being and I know I did this with myself.  I want to change, but I realize if you try to change everything at once you become cranky, tired and disappointed.

I recently read an article that stated the most important thing to teach a child isn’t necessarily to have self-esteem, but self-compassion.  I need to start doing that.  I am in the process of cleaning out a house I’ve lived in for 20 years, but what I’m really cleaning out is the stuff left behind 2 marriages that I hid in my basement and attic.  I thought, silly me, this would take 3 weekends.  Let me throw into the mix that I live in a different state for 3 days for work and by the time I get home on late Wednesday evening I’m burnt out.  Sounds sad, but Thursday is a bit of a recovery day which leaves me Friday and Saturday and I’m working Friday, cleaning and running errands on Saturday and then getting my crap together on Sunday for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  While this should take a very short time, it doesn’t because I’m procrastinating because I’m unhappy.  I feel like a nomad.  Sorry….strayed from topic of this post, but my point is that I was trying to impress self by being this amazing super person – setting ridiculous goals as I enter into my new life and am now realizing things are going to slide.  I’m not perfect.  Nor will I ever be.  I need to date the version of me that at times is incredibly anal and on top of organizing my life; other times just needs to veg out and be completely unproductive because of the stress I put on me to be perfect combined with working in a job I don’t enjoy; the over-analyzer and constantly questioning the what-ifs because I’m a worrier; or the me that just needs to hang with friends and say fuck it to the long list of things I should be doing.  Instead, I’m going to embrace the true me and if there are things about me I want to change, I will change them for me and really isn’t this whole purpose of ‘Date Myself’ is to be in a relationship with the person who is supposed to bring me the most happiness?