What is the age when someone looks at their life and thinks this is my path and I have to follow it no matter what?
Two years ago, I was writing about the dissolution of my marriage, people in my life and how I felt it time to date myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t really date myself, but instead was incredibly vulnerable to people and did exactly what I said I would never do again — I got lost in someone else. I tried so hard to please that person, even when the hope of a romantic relationship faded, I just wanted to maintain a friendship with him. Normally, he’s a very reserved person, but when we were truly close, he was so passionate and caring that it was like a burst of wind had knocked me off my balance and I lost my footing.
As the relationship went down the path of friendship, I was still looking for that rush ….that feeling that someone truly cared about me. It was easier for me to try to recapture that feeling from him than face my life, and face the fact, that I was, and still am, a lost individual. I became the worst version of anyone: clingy and needy. This past November, I didn’t recognize me, and eventually this person ghosted me over the holidays. It crushed me beyond belief.
I always thought ‘ghosting’ was for people who had dated and we were friends. I trust my friends more so than any intimate relationship with a man, so it crushed me. I mean totally crushed me. In early January, we talked and while we still talk on occasion, it is much different and for some reason I tread lightly. I guess I’m afraid of losing the little remains of a friendship we have then admit I’m still putting the worst version of me forward. Wow. To see the words on this screen makes me wonder what happened to the person who grew up marching to her own drummer – hung out of trees; walked a marathon to get over her first marriage ending; hiked the Grand Canyon when I turned 40 and was a year of being cancer free. I pretty much have always followed my curiosity and this has led me to people and experiences that are priceless. Instead, I stopped listening to me. I put all my energies into another person who called me a dabbler. From his viewpoint, I didn’t stick with one thing. I was so lost at that point in my life, that I thought he was right. However, instead of pursuing one passion, I stopped. I clung to him and began a year long process where I started to doubt everything about me. I also stopped hanging out with friends, doing anything and my sadness I believe has a large part with damaging my physical health (well, that and the stress of job and being someone I’m not).
So…Who am I?
I have no fucking clue. I was raised to believe that you go to college, marry and raise a family. Many of my friends did that. Hell, I married twice, and maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I couldn’t have children instead of leading them down the rabbit hole I find myself in. However, I’m tired of not truly knowing who I am. If I were a computer and either got held up in a program far too long or got the blue screen of death (I think most people have experienced that), it’d be easy, I’d just reboot my computer.
I need a total reboot. The only way I’m truly going to find my passion, is to let every negative preconceived notion I have about myself that fills my head go and begin living with no expectations. I also need to put me first and stop believing making another person happy is going to make me happy. Great if it happens, but I need to start being to true to myself if I really want to discover who I am. I’ve known for far too long that I try to please others because I don’t know what will or what happens once I am happy. In certain facets of my life, people have taken advantage of me for their benefit. No more.
So how do I begin to discover who I am….and make peace with who I’m not? Well, there are so many articles on how to be happy — should I declutter my life? Exercise? Eat better? Take classes? Redo my home? Meditate? Travel? Garden? Find a new job? Better yet, find a new career? So many choices and all that I want to explore.
Here’s what I know about me….I react slowly to things, but when I do it stays with me a very long time. I also procrastinate on things I hate to do, and I really detest the saying “Just Do It”. I want to bitch slap the next person that says that to me. I do get to things, it just takes me time. Far longer than others, but ya know what, I live alone and, at the moment, in a lot of physical pain. I’ve also never been one of those individuals that a new habit is formed in 21 days. Depending upon the habit (translation if it is something I hate doing like cleaning) it could take me up to 21 weeks before it is a habit. Even if I get joy from doing something I stop because I don’t think I deserve to feel happy. Not anymore. I’ve rebooted and have given myself permission to set boundaries and feel happy.
I have some thoughts where to begin and will check in next week to give an update. I’m not sure anyone will read this, but by putting this out on the Internet, it does hold me accountable…..and right now I need that to jump start my adventure into finding me.